(This was written for – HOPE section)

By: Carol Clemans

Aloneness after a divorce or death of a spouse is one of the greatest life changing challenges. Friends, family and counselees have shared that when their spouse divorced or died, the emptiness of not having that ‘sole mate’ to share life with was the greatest emotional pain. There is a transitional period of accepting the finality of divorce or death. If being alone happens because of death, the comfort is the loving memories of a spouse who was faithful. Divorce creates a different aloneness. Accompanying aloneness is the feeling of being abandoned, rejected and forsaken, etc.

Death is not by choice. Divorce is by choice. If you have children in the home, they can feel the same feelings of abandonment and rejection and even take the blame of the other parent leaving. As the custodial parent, you cannot expect your children to fill your aloneness. Please, never turn a child into a ‘substitute spouse.’ Never tell a six-year old son, “You’re the man of the house now.” It’s not true. No child can take the place of a spouse who is gone. (This subject is for another article).

Grief is a process. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about stages of grief. 1. Shock and denial. 2. Anger (anger turned outward). 3. Depression (anger turned inward). 4. Bargaining. 5. Sadness. 6. Forgiveness, resolution, and acceptance. These emotions ebb and flow in the aftermath of loss. When you finally enter into the acceptance stage, this is when aloneness can become overwhelming. You now have choices to make. You can either hibernate within your four walls, or you can choose to accept God’s truth that you have value and worth that is not based on being someone’s spouse.

You could be a divorced mother with children still in the home; an older divorced spouse, a working or non- working person who is now single. Whatever your status, it’s how you feel about yourself that will determine how you deal with your aloneness. This is when your relationship with God is tested. If you know in your heart how special you are to God because HE fully loves you, fully accepts you and fully forgives you, that is the foundation upon which you will build your new life in Him.

God wants to be the most intimate relationship you have. You must spend time in His Word and prayer. Praying needs to be at the level of ‘spilling your heart’ to God knowing He understands all emotions because He created them. Praying in the Holy Ghost builds up your most holy faith according to Jude. Paul tells us in Romans 8 that we are praying God’s perfect will when praying in the Holy Ghost. Prayer journaling is another way of sharing your aloneness with the Lord. Tell Him exactly how you feel. He can take it.

Start looking outside yourself and find a place to share God’s love with others. The Bible tells us not just to look after our own interest, but be concerned about others. There is a deep fulfilled blessing that comes with helping others. Volunteer your skills to help others through your church or community. You can choose to enjoy your aloneness as a friend, or it will become your mental enemy and defeat you. Add to your education. Pursue a dream you had that you put on hold for the marriage.

Nothing happens in our lives that surprises God. He knows our end from our beginning. Ask God for His wisdom and guidance for this new life you are living. We cannot control the choices of others, but we can choose what we will do. Yes, aloneness is emotionally painful. But time does ease the wounded feeling. Refuse to allow another person’s choice to define who you are today. You are God’s special treasure. You are a new creation in Him. You are complete in Him. Suggested reading: “Search for Significance” by Robert McGee

Carol Clemans is a Certified Pastoral Counselor/Christian Life Coach/inspirational Bible teacher for churches/conferences. She provides counseling nationwide by phone and web cam (636) 448-0121. Email: Go to: for teaching CD’s & book. The Clemans’ pastor is Dieter Skowron of Johnstown, CO.