Up to this present time, I have not met a couple who when they married planned to be divorced in a few years. Most people marry because they ‘fall in love’ and feel that this man/woman will make their life complete.  They view their future through the ‘rose colored glasses’ assuming that marriage will bring them complete indescribable happiness. In this state of ‘twitterpation’ (from Bambi), they see no faults in each other.  They will say, “When we get married everything will work out perfectly.”

Unfortunately, when the ‘honeymoon’ period is over, the reality of living with another imperfect human being starts setting in.  This is the time when every couple needs to understand God’s definition of unconditional love – I Cor. 13. Science has proven that when a couple first falls in love, there is a chemical high that happens in the brain to both people. It’s the excitement, the unknown, the getting to know one another. All of these create this euphoria for a while in the relationship.  Once engaged and then the marriage, the euphoria chemical high settles down to the normal endorphins of everyday life.

After this happens, then life happens: jobs, bills, kids, sickness, etc., etc. Romance in the marriage must be nurtured. If the romance is not nurtured, then the true test of a marriage begins to happen when one spouse starts being selfish. Selfishness is the root of all marital problems. So the simple answer to the question, “Why did this happen to me?” is the selfishness of the ‘walk away’ spouse. The core reason selfishness raises its ugly head is because God has been pushed off the ‘throne’ of a person’s heart.  When God is not allowed to be in control of the heart, selfish attitudes and acts start happening.

When a spouse walks away from a marriage, it is usually because of their selfish desires.  The most common reason is they get their eyes on another person besides their spouse. It starts with emotional adultery and then actual adultery. In the process, they have turned away from God too. The same excitement and euphoria happens with this ‘new’ person and leads to the destruction of the first marriage and statistics prove that the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than for first marriages.

The reason I felt to write on this subject is because many times the erring spouse wants to blame the other for their wrongful choices. No matter what they might say in blaming, the true blame belongs to them. Instead of using their energy and time to nurture the marriage or seek godly counsel, they look elsewhere and follow their sinful desires.  Once a spouse chooses an ungodly path, the blame for their actions falls at their own feet.

A successful marriage happens when both spouses put the desires and needs of their spouse before their own.  They also must keep God in the center of their marriage. Their love for each other is nurtured and grows because they love each other sacrificially that leaves no room for selfishness.

Yes, you may feel rejection, but please do not hold on to the shame or blame of your erring spouses ungodly selfish choices. If you have remained faithful to God, God will give you strength to survive and be a whole person again spiritually, emotionally and relationally.

I pray this prayer for you: Romans 15:13 NLT “I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”

NOTE:  Carol Clemans is a Certified Pastoral Counselor/Bible teacher/Christian Life Coach/author. She travels nationwide teaching for churches/conferences. Carol provides a unique ministry of phone and web cam counseling nationwide – (636) 448-0121. She and her husband, Rev. Harold Clemans, live in Loveland, CO. Carol provides a teaching/counseling ministry for Pastor Dieter Skowron, Johnstown, CO – http://www.altonline.org.  Go to: http://www.carolclemans.org for info and teaching CD’s.  Carol is president of LIFE ENRICHMENT MINISTRIES, INC. (501c3) – 1437 N. Denver Avenue, Ste. 251, Loveland, CO 80538. Pastors Daniel Batchelor and Todd Gaddy are on her Board of Directors. Email: carol@carolclemans.org

© Carol Clemans – April 2010