When the Roof Caves In:
MINISTERING TO YOUTH FROM BROKEN HOMES
By: Carol P. Clemans
Life Enrichment Ministries, INC.
Certified Pastoral Counselor
Bible/Seminar Teacher
carol@carolclemans.org
(636) 448-0121
Synopsis Statement: #1 – Brief description of the attributes of a Healthy Home. #2 -Listing the effects of a broken home on youth.
#3 -Describing how to be be a healing helper to the youth from broken homes.
Part #1:
God’s design for the family began in Genesis. When God presented Adam with Eve, Adam said, “At last! She is part of my flesh and bone! She will be called ‘woman,’
because she was taken out of man.” This explains why a man leaves his
father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united in to
one.” – NLT – Gen. 2: 23-24.
God’s design is one man with one woman joined for life. As the result of sin in the Garden of Eden, we now have a current statistic that only 25% of families in America are the original father and mother with the birth children! Approximately 50% of all new marriages end in divorce and well over 50% of remarriages end in divorce.
A healthy family is created when a father and mother both love God with their whole heart, soul, mind and strength and live that example before their children.
This creates an atmosphere of unconditional love and acceptance, healthy discipline, consistency and a basis for building a God centered self worth in all family members. Respect and honor will be at the foundation of the healthy family.
When hearts are turned by selfish desires, by repeating the unhealthy patterns of families from one generation to the next, or death separates the parent from the child, emotional pain can distort a youth’s vision of God, destroying their feelings of personal value and cause the dysfunction of the family to be repeated in their own lives into adulthood.
Part #2:
Divorce creates the broken home. Divorce can be caused by adultery, by abuse which includes: verbal, emotional, and physical, or by one or both parents who just refuse to totally submit to God and work through their differences, processing the pain they have caused each other, learning healthy ways to communicate and forgiving each other.
(Note: The death of a parent does not create a broken home. It creates an absence of a loved one. The family has not been broken, it has been emotionally wounded and the wounds react differently. As a youth leader, you must ‘be there’ for the child whose parent died. Death is not usually by choice. It is most commonly a sickness or an accident and the child needs to be gently reminded that their parent didn’t leave on purpose. There is a major emotional difference between divorce and death. The youth will be wounded by the absence of the loving parent, but the process of healing is somewhat different.)
The following are effects of parental divorce:
DENIAL:
The teen can act as if the divorce is not happening to their parents. If they deny the problem, they think it will go away. They may refuse to accept the divorce even though they are now living separately from one parent. They hang on to the hope that their parents will get back together.
SHAME/EMBARRASSMENT:
Youth are usually ashamed and embarrassed by divorce because they feel that it means something is wrong with their family. They are ashamed of the conduct of the parent who choses adultery, etc. They are shameful of having to move (which usually happens because of lack of finances) to a smaller place, leaving a home and living in an apartment. There seems to be a greater shame among church teens because the church does not agree or accept divorced people as the world does.
BLAME/GUILT:
Preteens and teens may feel their fighting with their siblings caused so much friction for their parents that they are the cause of the divorce. Teens may feel their rebelliousness caused their parents to divorce. Some parents have been so emotionally unhealthy as to actually blame the child or children for the divorce. This type of accusation may cause serious feelings of possibly wanting to destroy themselves. The teen may feel, “If I kill myself, then my parents won’t have a reason for divorce.” Be watchful for this type of statement.
ANGER:
Anger is one of the most common responses to parental divorce. Anger can come from resentment of being separated from one parent, from feeling abandoned, from being different than their friends with intact families. The parents usually deal with a great deal of anger between themselves. Their children pick up on the anger and the frustration. Parents sometimes use the child as a “go-between” as an excuse not to talk to teach other and make the child give messages back and forth. The child feels the unfairness of it all and the confusion of loyalty toward one parent or the other.
The child can start “acting out” which is not their normal behavior. Children want their parents attention in a healthy, loving manner. When it is not available, they will do whatever it takes to get attention even if it is negative attention.
FEAR:
Fear is caused by things that cannot be controlled. When a youth faces parental divorce there could be fear of the insecurity of their future financially, emotionally, and educationally. They may fear losing the grandparent relationship of the divorcing parent. They may fear the reaction of their friends, teachers, family and church. Their fear may cause them to lash out emotionally towards their family, friends, and even at church. You as a helper may be asked the question, “If God is so loving and caring, why is He letting this happen to me?”
(Special answer to above question: The Lord gave humans a choice in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve chose to disobey God and that brought sin, sickness, disease, death and cruelty of all types to the human race because evil entered through the influence of Satan. God still gives each human being a choice to do right or wrong. If divorce happens to a family because of the sinful choice of a parent, it is not God’s fault. We all will account to God for our every thought, feeling and action. Helping the child of a divorce to understand where the blame belongs is an important part of healing. God is not the author of confusion or pain. People’s choices are what creates pain for others.)
RELIEF:
Some youth of parental divorce are relieved that their parents got a divorce because there was so much pain and confusion in the home. They are glad their parents are no longer together because now they live in peace and harmony.
In my six years of teaching Marriage and Family at Christian Life College, I started each semester class with a survey asking would the student want the marriage their parents had because it was good and they could make it better, or would they not want the marriage their parents had? The college students responded between 50% – 67% each year that they did NOT want the marriage their parents had. Most of these students where from church families!
LOW SELF WORTH/INSECURITY:
Healthy self worth is based on being loved and accepted as a creation of God. This affirmation should come from parents at birth and on through the lifetime of the child. When divorce hits a family, a child of any age can internalize the blame, feel abandoned, feel inferior to others, feel like they don’t “fit in” any more. Every person created needs to feel unconditional love and acceptance from others. When a parent walks out of a family, most children feel a deep sense of loss in all areas of their lives. They can feel like they are nothing but trouble for their parents, especially if child care and child support become major problems between the divorcing parents.
GRIEF:
Yes, there is grief because a relationship has died. Some people think grief is only upon the death of a loved one. Grief is a real part of a divorcing family. The loss of a parent in their daily life, the loss of their home, the loss of the feeling of being an intact family – all of these are real losses that can be felt very deeply in the heart of a child.
DEPRESSION:
Depression is anger and fear turned inward. If a child doesn’t have the emotional support that is needed through a divorce, depression can be very real. It seems to paralyze the child emotionally, relationally and functionally.
ALIENATION & LONELINESS:
Because of all the stress that comes with divorce, a child or youth can feel totally lost, almost non-existent because the parents don’t have quality time to spend with the child. If there was such a thing as a healthy divorce, it would really be a blessing for the children. (But if the parents where emotionally healthy, there would not be a divorce). The lost child needs to know they are still loved by both parents. Both parents need to take the time to be with each child and reinforce their love. Unfortunately, this usually doesn’t happen. That’s when the youth leader needs to be sensitive to giving attention to the “lost” youth.
Other effects of divorce on youth can be academic problems, behavioral problems, sexual activity (looking for someone to love them), and substance abuse, etc.
Part #3:
The youth leader can help a pre-teen or teen through this very painful time of their life by becoming a good listener. You may have to reach out to the teen who seems introverted or “acts” like everything is fine. You know everything is not fine when parents are getting a divorce.
This teen needs a big heavy dose of continual unconditional love. When the teen does share how he feels, especially if it is a negative emotion, please don’t say, “Hey, you shouldn’t feel like that. You need to pray!” Please don’t do this. The process of healing means processing how we feel right or wrong. The hurting youth needs someone he can trust to share his deepest wounds with and have no fear of retaliation.
Trust has been broken with the parent who is divorcing. It will be hard for the youth to trust anyone again, even God. The Bible instructs us to weep with those that weep and mourn with those that mourn. When you weep with them for a while and then start encouraging them with what is God’s truth about their life, eventually you will be able to rejoice with their victories too. Never break their confidences. The only time that is done is if they say they want to kill themselves or someone else or that there has been sexual abuse. Then you must report it to the authorities – at least this is true in California. You should discuss this with your pastor before you counsel any youth.
Being aware of all the above effects of divorce for a youth is the beginning of understanding and helping them. If your home life and parents’ marriage were healthy and strong, you need to be especially sensitive. The best helper to the hurting is your trying to “put on the shoes” of the other person’s experiences so you can be touched by the feelings of their infirmities as God is touched by yours.
Affirm the youth as a person created and loved by God no matter what their family life is like. Let them know that their feelings are normal for what they are going through or have been through.
Direct and encourage their dependence on God. God never changes and He never fails. He wants us to be honest with Him about our feelings in what we are going through. Encourage the hurting youth to do prayer journaling. God wants them to spill their guts to Him. It works as a cleanser of the heart. David of the Psalms did it all the time.
Reinforce the positive attributes that the youth has. Encourage participation in Bible studies geared to youth, youth recreational activities and youth service planning. They need to feel they really belong, especially with God and His people. Plan youth activities where they can reach out and help others – i.e., offer to paint fences/houses for the elderly in your church, mow yards, etc. When a hurting person helps others, there is an inner healing that starts taking place.
Find an intact family in the church that will “emotionally” adopt the youth of a divorce. This youth needs to observe on a regular basis a loving, caring Mom and Dad who love each other and their children in a healthy way. Seeing a healthy role model will be the best teacher as to what it takes to make a marriage and family function in God’s design.
Remind the youth that you are available to listen any time. A hurting person needs to feel sincere care and love from others.
Be aware that youth from broken homes can feel their understanding of God is broken. It is called a distorted God concept. If their natural parent isn’t loving, how can an unseen heavenly “Father” really care about them? Your providing a listening ear and a loving heart will help heel that negative gap. Always remind them that God loved them so much that He died on a cross to bring them into a relationship with Him. The more they hear and know the Word of God, it will give them strength to become strong in Him.
Teens need to understand that healing comes from an active relationship with God. Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.
Special Note: If you perceive that the teen and his parents continue in an emotional hurting relationship, talk to your pastor about approaching the parents. They need to be encouraged to lay aside the personal pain they have given each other and reach out to the needs of the youth. Get Godly counsel to help the family heal inspite of the divorce.
Recommended books:
“Handbook on COUNSELING YOUTH – A comprehensive guide for equipping Youth Workers, Pastors, Teachers, Parents” – by Josh McDowell & Bob Hostetler
“HEALING ADULT CHILDREN OF DIVORCE – Taking Care of Unfinished Business So You Can Be Whole Again” – by Dr. Archibald D. Hart (I would suggest that you obtain and read this book and then offer to go through it with youth from broken homes. It will help them not to repeat the dysfunctions of their parents. The church needs to be the support system for the family.)
(c) Carol Clemans – September 2009
Life Enrichment Ministries 
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